After following the current debate on how to handle detainees, I was inspired to come up with some torture-free ways of breaking down detainees and obtaining information.

Here’s my Top Ten!

• 10. Have detainee explain how mail order merchants can find you, after two name changes and a move out of state.
• 9. Have detainee complete the following: Complete a budget for family of 5 with median income living in median price housing in major metropolitan area of US.
  Include housing, feeding, clothing, transport, education, enrichment and entertainment for three children.
• 8. Have detainee complete the following: Map out most effective route to transport 3 children to 4 activities, 5 days per week, between 3:00 and 5:30PM in major metropolitan area of US.
  Include daily stops at grocery store and once weekly stops at pharmacy, book store, toy store & athletic equipment store.
  For the really tough ones, add 2 weekly stops to office supply warehouse for “report folders”. They are cheaper there than at the grocery store.
• 7. Have detainee pose logical argument to 15 year old why he/she cannot get a tatoo. (Factor in the 15 year old is an Honor Student and Varsity Athlete and has never missed curfew.)
  15 year old must agree not to get a tatoo. (No compromises re: body piercing.)
• 6. Have detainees hold and rock 10 lb. bag of flour for 6 hours while playing recording of baby crying.
• 5. After completing # 8, have detainee complete at least three alternate routes, allowing for accidents, road work and road closures.
  A maximum of three u-turns is allowed.
• 4. Explain same-sex marriage to a five year old.
• 3. After completing #9, have detainee redo, adding the following:
  • annual one week vacation to Theme Park (including airfare)
  • one child’s birthday gift per week
  • 3 birthday parties per year
  • One night out a month for self and spouse (including babysitter and pizza).

  For the tough ones, have them factor in the following:

  • weekly donation to religious establishment
  • one carry-out dinner weekly
  • retirement of self and spouse at age 68
  • and college educations for 3 children.
• 2. Have detainee pose logical argument as to why a statue of Moses holding the Ten Commandments adorns the facade of the US Supreme Court, but the Ten Commandments cannot be posted on a courthouse wall in Georgia.
• 1. Have detainee pose logical argument for murdering thousands of innocent civilians half way around the world, and how that has had a positive impact on his/her life.

If any detainee can complete all of this and still resist our interrogators, please send him to my house. I could use a “Mother’s Helper”.

GOPMOM

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